TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

 Think of it this way: Even good relationships take work. After all, our significant other, our close friends, and even our parents aren’t perfect (and, oddly enough, they may not see us as perfect either). We have to learn how to accommodate and adapt to their idiosyncrasies, their faults, and their moods, just as they must learn how to do the same with us. And it’s worth it.

Some relationships, however, are more difficult and require proportionately more work. We are not clones but individuals, and some individuals in relationships are going to have more difficulties or more disagreements. But because we value these relationships, we’re willing to make the effort it takes to keep them.

And then there are toxic relationships. These relationships have mutated themselves into something that has the potential, if not corrected, to be extremely harmful to our well-being. These relationships are not necessarily hopeless, but they require substantial and difficult work if they are to be changed into something healthy. The paradox is that in order to have a reasonable chance to turn a toxic relationship into a healthy relationship, we have to be prepared to leave it (more about this later).

The importance of understanding what defines a toxic relationship is elevated in a global pandemic. Pandemic precautions have us spending more time at home. In 2020 and 2021, many of us lost the outlets that brought balance to our social, physical, and mental health – work, friends, the gym, school. Isolation at home shed a new light on the indicators that a relationship is toxic, meaning recent years have been key in identifying unhealthy patterns in our relationships. In April 2020, the Journal of Clinical Nursingreported that “home can be a place where dynamics of power can be distorted and subverted … often without scrutiny from anyone ‘outside’ the couple or the family unit. In the COVID‐19 crisis, the exhortation to ‘stay at home’ therefore has major implications for those adults and children already living with someone who is abusive or controlling.”

So what exactly is a toxic relationship and how do you know if you’re in one?

By definition, a toxic relationship is a relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and, not infrequently, physically damaging. While a healthy relationship contributes to our self-esteem and emotional energy, a toxic relationship damages self-esteem and drains energy. A healthy relationship involves mutual care, respect, and compassion; an interest in our partner’s welfare and growth; and an ability to share control and decision-making. In short, a healthy relationship involves a shared desire for each other’s happiness. A healthy relationship is a safe relationship, a relationship where we can be ourselves without fear, a place where we feel comfortable and secure. A toxic relationship, on the other hand, is not a safe place. A toxic relationship is characterized by insecurity, self-centeredness, dominance, and control. We risk our very being by staying in such a relationship. To say a toxic relationship is dysfunctional is, at best, an understatement.